posted by S. Elliott @ 7:25 pm 39 comments

posted by S. Elliott @ 4:44 pm 0 comments

Sydney skyline turns off lights for 1hr; Still Ugly

posted by S. Elliott @ 6:06 pm 3 comments

Government Notice

posted by S. Elliott @ 4:51 pm 0 comments

Long-time Couple formally announce Nuptials

posted by S. Elliott @ 3:11 pm 1 comments

BREAKING NEWS Moe Karols by Kandlelight causes Kalamity

Sunday night's Carols by Candlelight in a popular park in Moe have flared into bushfires and spread across much of the La Trabe valley. Despite the rain and snow recieved in other parts of Victoria, Moe experienced only smatterings of acid rain, further fueling fires. The blaze is predicted to join up with a spotfire which has been burning west of Morwell since the mid 1980s. Experts predict strong winds later in the week will turn the fire back onto the townships themselves, where moccasins are likely to fuel the blaze until least the 2008 Kolkata Olympics.

posted by S. Elliott @ 7:11 pm 2 comments

Bob Jane Blowout; Swaps to a Spare

posted by S. Elliott @ 2:35 pm 3 comments

BassGas begets mutant girl

A toxically-spawned mutant girl, not terribly unlike the population of dragonchildren of Meeniyan, has been found roaming the fields around the BassGas energy generating compound in Gippsland. The plant, diversely described by locals as a 'blight on the landscape' and an 'industrial shrine to progress', was found to be leaking pollutants into nearby catchments, where a group of hermits were living in a humpy. Although the production of Liquid Petroleum Gas does not officially involve any harmful byproducts, BassGas is known to have caused leprocy, sour milk in dairy cattle, and an acute form of disfiguring impotence only previously seen in post-Chenobyl USSR.

The girl, who is now in the custody of human services, speaks little English and appears to know little about civilised society. Sources have branded her as either a byproduct of BassGas or of the government-school system. Shocking photos of the girl known as 'Case #666' were splashed over local media last week. The most shocking of these can be seen on the left.

posted by S. Elliott @ 1:03 pm 0 comments

New 'Blog' offends epileptic community, cowboys

A newly established blog titled 'Gelastic Hat' has enraged the medical fraternity by making light of the term gelastic. The site, which is styled alarmingly similar to this very newservice, opened today to a record number of hits, but has been inundated with complaints from sufferers and their carers.

Online reference site Wikipedia states "Gelastic is a term used to refer to a certain type of epilepsy or epileptic seizure. The seizures of gelastic epilepsy are characterized by spells of involuntary laughter. The laughter has been described as "creepy" (Chong, 2003) and "without true mirth" (Fisch, 1991).Gelastic epilepsy often results from a developmental abnormality of the brain known as hypothalamic hamartoma.

But Gelastic Hat has also offended the world's cowboy community by associating their ubiquitous hats with epilepsy. Author of the site, one E. Powney, has refused to comment on her blog, or apologise to both communities for making light of their jargon.

posted by S. Elliott @ 6:30 pm 0 comments

Unique piece of social history found

A lost series of candid photographs, featuring the little-documented and much speculated turn-of-the-century femme fatal Lady Emily Powney, has been found in a private collection of historical papers and cigarette cases. Lady Powney, who was thought to be perhaps the most feared and influential scarlet woman of late Victorian Melbourne, reputedly lived a life of opulence, hedonism and free love, long before such things became the social norm. The discovery is a coup for feminist historians, who will display the full series of Lady Powney’s photographs to a paying audience of mature adults in an undisclosed private gallery.

Powney, who was born in Cornwall sometime in the mid 1870s, travelled to Australia aboard the Spanish merchant vessel El Muchachos and settled into a life of teen debauchery and laneway abortions. By 1890 however, she had mysteriously become one of Victoria’s most sought-after ladies of the night, often charging discerning gentlemen (and some well endowed women) outrageous sums for the pleasure of her companionship. Emily Powney soon wooed a courtly widower, Sir Alfred Tuxomley, whom she promptly married in a private and suspicious ceremony behind what is now the Carlton commission flats. Tuxomley, 84, who earned his fortune stealing the children of Chinese gold prospectors and selling them back at inflated prices, died soon after the wedding (it was reportedly less than 72 hours after the nuptials) , leaving Powney the title ‘Lady’, and his sprawling estate in Toorak. From there, Powney is thought to have started Australia’s first Casino, wild-west themed Burlesque, and Cuban cigar importation business.

Little is known of what happened to her after the age of 30; some believe she buried herself alive under the stables on her property; others speculate that she was entertaining gentlemen visitors well into the 1950s. Whatever it was, the newly discovered photographs of Lady Powney assure that her enduring notoriety as a pioneer Modern Woman, and her disturbingly plunging neckline, will neigh be forgotten.

The exhibitions opens soon (rated X).

posted by S. Elliott @ 6:59 pm 3 comments

Compulsory Government Ad... [click to view]

posted by S. Elliott @ 5:34 pm 1 comments

Town goes to great lengths to protect Amenities

The small rural community of Cann River, fearing the brunt of 21st century terrorism will be borne by them, have begun installing military armory to protect local attractions. alongside this Machine Gun -guarded toilet block is a bus stop surrounded by a 4 meter high electrified fence. not to be outdone, the township of Wonthaggi have initiated a biological weaponry program to protect its lucractive pokie arsenal.

posted by S. Elliott @ 10:34 pm 0 comments

The Blonde driving the Blonde

The new Hyundai Ditz: the perfect car for getting blonde twenty-somethings from 'A' to 'whatever letter comes next'.

posted by S. Elliott @ 11:07 am 2 comments

Maeby Funke's Birth Notice

posted by S. Elliott @ 10:33 am 0 comments

Brandpower Woman Goes Too Far

For a lady accustomed to robotic spruiking and sincere pandering, the Brandpower lady has fallen from grace. Family groups were outraged at seeing the new Brandpower advertisment, in which our shining beacon of consumerism puffs on a joint. President of Families Australia Chester Favasham told CunTV "we are concerned that the Brandpower lady has gone too far. She tokes that thing for 30 seconds and not once offers a puff to her husband, let alone the kids. Is this the kind of twisted selfish ideology we want in the public domain? Jo Bailey would be much more generous... and what about all the other drugs? Its not fair on them. Just because marijuana has the big honchos behind it". Have your say; comment now.

posted by S. Elliott @ 10:47 pm 0 comments

Devious Stingray Hires Tree Costume, Kills Brocky

The cheeky stingray who brought a hasty (and probably numbing) end to the life of incorrigible personality Steve Irwin is also believed to be behind the latest death of an Aussie icon, racing driver Peter Brock. That brings stingy's tally to 2 this week. It is believed the creature entered a costumehire shop in Perth's outer suburbs, passed itself off as a 'local', hired a gum tree costume, and drove away. Later, as Peter perrrfect's ubiquitous Holden neared, stingy burst out from the side of the road and caused the accident, during which Brock was killed. Alarm bells are ringing in the usually blissfully ignorant lower class, as two ambassadors of Populism were wiped out in a matter of days. Experts are warning other popular Australian 'celebrities' to be on the lookout for any native flora or fauna. Those tipped to be next on the hitlist include Channel 7's Kochie, seminal 1990's songstress Max Sharam, and in an odd twist of irony, Ozzy Ostrich.

posted by S. Elliott @ 3:40 pm 1 comments

Roof Seal, Drive Seal, Seal-a-fridge shot by Commercial Fishermen

Popular brand-recognisable characters are being targeted by commercial fishermen with harpoons and rifles. The Roof Seal and the driveway Seal, (unrelated of Wonthaggi) were shot and killed off Coronet Bay, whilst Seal-a-fridge Seal was critically wounded by a Harpoon from a trawler off Foster Beach. Rumours have been circulating in commercial-fishing circles that these three marketing referents have been responsible for stealing fish from commercial catchments over the past few months. CunTV wishes the Seal-a-Fridge seal a speedy recovery.

posted by S. Elliott @ 11:58 am 1 comments

Ill-informed Corporation Launches Zany New Products

Inexperienced and incongruous manufacturer CunTV Foods Pty. Ltd. have just released a selection of bafflingly odd products. The new items have been greeted with trepidation by members of the public, but the upper-eschelon of the company's management believes that eventually sheer curiosity will boost sales. The confusing array of items available has been blamed on poorly-conducted market research, and a recent GORILLA OUTBREAK at the CunTV conglomerate's office tower.

posted by S. Elliott @ 5:21 pm 0 comments

Americans Mourn Oil-spill Anniversary

Americans are this month mourning the 17-and-a-half year anniversary of the horrific oil spill from the Exxon Valdez (pictured, courtesy of Wikipedia) in 1989. By far the majority of US citizens are bewailing the incident as a tragic loss of precious precious oil, rather than as the world's most catastrophic maritime environmental disaster. Hell... they sure could use that oil right now.

posted by S. Elliott @ 5:05 pm 0 comments

"CSI Moama" Global Hit; Echuca a bit Jealous

Production of another series of the popular crime/drama/sexily lit cop show has begun in earnest, sending the population of Moama into a frenzy. The schmaltzy show has made Moama's sister city across the river slightly jealous. Though they shouldn't complain; at least Echuca got a mention in the Beach Boys song Kokomo ... we think...

posted by S. Elliott @ 4:55 pm 0 comments

La polizia italiana interferisce Mooch nudo sul treno

Mooch è stato funzionamento interferito circa il sistema metropolitano di trasporto senza vestiti, dichiara i funzionari del connex e della polizia. Malgrado gli avvertimenti dai suoi amici, Mooch decisi per interferire un treno e un calibratore per allineamento senza suo toga consueta, o kaftan, lasciando il pubblico nella scossa e nel dolore alla vista del suo corpo grezzo della carne. "Era il giorno migliore della mia vita!", ha esatto un uomo destato senza casa. Copyright International News Bureau

posted by S. Elliott @ 10:51 am 0 comments

Book and Movie Reviews from CunTV!!

Editors of CunTV have collated a collection of collectively collated reivews for some lesser-known works of high class fiction for you to rent and steal from your local libraries. Short synopses can be view at the Tales for the Wise website. Ever read a book where a young girl has mould growing on her legs? Or a story about a teen who wakes up and realises he is, in fact, a wardrobe? No... didn't think so. Bon apetit!

posted by S. Elliott @ 5:01 pm 0 comments

Presser Website Survives Modern Perils

[WARNING: SHAMELESS PROMOTION]...In these days of terrorism, state-sanctioned counter-terrorism, hurricanes, tsunamis, conservative governance and nappy rash, its good to see a classic website rebound and find its way back into circulation. The Presser website has been a family favourite for, lets face it, thousands and thousands of years. So visit it and tell your relatives and healthcare professionals, deceased or living, to indulge their senses (or zombie brains, gills etc) with the sweet sounds and aromas of Presser. Visit the following url before its gone forever, like so many decent sitcoms and flavours of chips.

http://users.tpg.com.au/foxydog/

posted by S. Elliott @ 4:23 pm 1 comments

Elderly Woman in love with Rosebush

An elderly Cranbourne woman has been indicted on charges of soliciting her neighbour's prize-winning rose bush. Mavis Krankjugs was caught several times on hidden camera engaging in leud behaviour with the plant, police have indicated. The owner of the shrub, estranged beau Alvin Zaspah, believed Krankjugs saught the love of his notable roses after he had rejected her advances. "I believe she also gained pleasure from the thorns" Zaspah lamented. Krankjugs, 87, released a statement saying that she and the rosebush had a 'profound understanding' and had enjoyed 'on and off encounters' over several decades. Her relationship with the plant came to a halt only after Zaspah set up a video camera attempting to uncover why his lily-white roses were turning red overnight. Zaspah's gardener also noticed changes in the plant: "i'd trim that bush every two weeks" he stated, "so I could tell when it wasn't itself". After examination by doctors, police forensics confimed lascerations and cuts on Krankjugs' unmentionables were caused by the plant in question. Krankjugs has been bailed to appear in court next week and ordered to keep 50 metres from the plant, and its cuttings, for at least a couple of days.

posted by S. Elliott @ 3:36 pm 3 comments

Meeniyan Celebrates New Dragon Boy

Despite a quiet year on the mutant front, Meeniyan celebrated last night the birth of yet another Dragon-boy, bringing the total of human-dragon-hybrid creatures in the town to a nationwide record of 44. The new creature, born unto Tarlene and Darryl Moochberger, of Forrest Rd, weighed in at a hefty 82 pounds on the old scale. Yet to be named, it is believed the Moochbergers will Christen their second born Lucifer-Bailey Dylan, in keeping with Meeniyan tradition. The creature is a baby brother for Maddyson, 15 months, who of course will be ritually sacrificed next full moon. CunTV and its affiliates congratulates the Moochbergers.

posted by S. Elliott @ 3:55 pm 1 comments

Hellllloooo!

Welcome to CunTV, the home of news. More breaking news to come soon, including Emma's latest surgery: why doctors didn't think she'd make it (and why vets knew she would)...

posted by S. Elliott @ 3:24 pm 4 comments